The topic for today is "screening children." I read a story on CNN this afternoon about how Columbia University is "giving" away software that they claim will scan High School students and then predict if they are "at risk" for bad things like depression or suicide.
How does this miraculous process work? Does it look for faulty genes? Does it scan for abberant brain waves or detect trace chemicals created only by defective people? Naw, nothing that sophisticated. It makes predictions based on answers to questions on a survey. Critical, probing, infallible questions like:
| "In the last year, has there been a time when nothing was fun for you and you just weren't interested in anything?" |
| "Has there been a time when you couldn't think as clearly or as fast as usual?" |
You've got to be kidding me!
Have you ever had a day where you couldn't think as clearly or as fast as usual? I call those days "Monday" and I have sometimes as many as 52 in a single year! But wait, the survey doesn't just ask that one question. There is the incredibly insightful "has there been a time when nothing was fun for you?" Ahh yes, good thing MY FATHER wasn't aware that was a sucide indicator. Here's a chart to compare how my dad handled me versus the "new" method:
| Old Parenting Method | New Psychiatric Parenting Method | |
|---|---|---|
|
Gee, Dad, I'm bored. I'm not thinking as clearly as I usually do. Go outside and find something to do. Nothing is fun, I'm just not interested in doing anything. OK, I need help sifting rocks out of the back yard so we can make the garden bigger. Oh! Wait! I just realized I was planning on hanging out with my friends and we're going to go and .... Sorry, Dan. Maybe you'll think faster and more clearly after 4 hours of back-breaking labor. Yes, I absolutely guarantee that I will think MUCH more clearly in the future. |
Gee, Dad, I'm bored. I'm not thinking as clearly as I usually do. I'm a dipshit loser who never had/saw effective parents. I'll call your High School and ask them how I should be a parent. Yeah, whatever. They're giving some sort of survey at school. If you sign this paper, I can get out of those boring math and English classes to take it. What's the worst thing that could happen? - - - - Later - - - - Wow son! I thought you were just an average, lazy teenager who, like every other kid in the human race, is trying to figure out what it means to be alive and responsible for making their own way in life. Fortunately, now I know that you need additional "counseling". You'll be diagnosed as "depressed" and possibly "suicidal" and those diagnoses will follow you, like a plague, for the rest of your days. You defective unit you. Thank you, Columbia University! |
Ok, now I feel bad already. What about all those kids who are really "sick" and need intervention because their parents, family and friends can't/won't help them? It's sad, I had a cousin who committed suicide (although I have no idea why). Why shouldn't the state step-in and take over? Why should there be a stigma attached to being sick, mentally or physically?
Well, I'm glad you asked. You see, we're wired that way. Wired in "wet-ware", that beautiful, complex and marvelous mass of greymatter that is our brain. Every one of us is the benificiary of millions of years of successful selective breeding. Everyone of us looks at our environment and makes a zillion decisions everyday. Good decisions are rewarded. Bad decisions (usually) are punished. Not everyone survives long enough to reproduce and that's as it should be. Just about everything about us works toward this, including accepting labels that carry a horrible stigma. Think about it, nice hair, good posture and a clean appearance, it runs a program in the brain that says "potential breeding-partner/competition for partners." On the other hand, "Hi, I have a history of mental problems. Wanna be my girlfriend?"
Harsh, isn't it? Don't blame me, I didn't invent the system and I certainly didn't perfect it.
But I *DO* have an observation that has served me well (and if you are wise, may serve you as well).
Don't allow yourself/your child to be identified or labeled in a bad manner if there is ANY way around it.
There is no statute of limitiations on these labels. There is no clean-slate after 7-years. No way to erase the damage that they will bring you in both external and internal forms. If you let some High School guidance councellor identify your child as defective it will follow them forever. It could prevent them from holding sensitive jobs or political office. It will almost certainly change the way they think about themselves. They will change from being a kid who needs some more friends/activities into a mental patient, incapable of controlling (and being responsible for) their own destiny.
I didn't fail for lack of trying, I was depressed.
Or, consider this, job interview, scenario:
No, really Ms. Employer, you can trust me to [Important Job Here]. That diagnosis of mental defects back in school was just a fluke. After all, it was just a "survey".
And the next applicant says:
No, I've never been diagnosed or treated for mental illness. Sure, I've had days when I didn't think as clearly as others or when I felt like "nothing was fun" but hey, like everybody else, you shake it off and get on with life. NOTHING can be fun all the time. Without the downs, how would you recognize the good times?
Who gets trusted to run the company and who gets hired to mop the floor? Too extreme? Maybe so, but try applying for ANY job that requires a security clearance and you'll see questions about mental "health" or the lack thereof. You won't see qualifiers for "was it a passing thing?" or "did you get treatment and put it behind you?". And you won't see time limits like "have you been free of sucidal tendancies for at least X-years?" The question reads "Have you EVER sought treatment for mental illness?"
So, am I trying to tell you that I am mentally ill, but really good at covering it up? No. Not unless the definition of not being sick is being able to completely cover it up. Bill Cosby used to do a comedy routine about cows with "hoof-and-mouth" disease, the primary symptom of which is foaming at the mouth (at least in his joke). One cow asks what is going to happen. The second says we're going to be killed. The first asks, "is there any way to NOT be killed?". Sure, the second cow says, wipe that foam off your mouth.
What about you/your child? What if you think they are sick and need help? I feel for you, you've got a hard lot to deal with. Try to do as much as you can to prevent your child from being marked. If I had no other choice but to allow my child to commit suicide or be identified as mentally defective, I guess I'd do what I had to do. But where were you years ago when this started? Did you take your kids camping? Did you go on scouting trips with them? Were you helping out in their elementary school classroom and making sure they were happy and well adjusted? Were you there coaching soccer/little-league/whatever? Did you take your kids places? Did you teach them to be a loving and devoted husband/wife by being one yourself?
Ah hell, you could do everything right and still have it all go terribly wrong. Darwin didn't promise anyone that every good organism would have a happy and successful life. There are no promises or guarantees at all. Unless you subscribe to some supernatural theory that if you have a shitty-enough life and you kiss-up to the right diety in the proper form, you'll be rewarded by an eternity of bliss and 71-virgin brides. Oh yeah, that's sane!